Post by BlackMage5072 on Jan 26, 2011 8:03:23 GMT
WOW I can't believe I'm saying this, being a big Cena fan, but seriously, fuck John Cena. He single-handedly ruined Monday Night Raw in the main event. For the first time since its inception, I actually cheered the Raw general manager, and the last time I tuned into Monday Night Raw, wasn't I supposed to be booing that son of a bitch who uses Michael Cole as his tool? (Thanks Edge) There are so many things wrong with this Cena that I just simply need to break it down:
1.) No moveset. I know this has been said a thousand times, but yes. John Cena has no moveset. Does this mean he can't wrestle? No. It means that they won't ALLOW him to wrestle, which is boring as hell.
2.) Improper use of charisma. Without a doubt, John Cena is one of the most charismatic and believable wrestlers WWE has. The segment on Raw where he was out injured and spoke to CM Punk and Nexus proves this. HE MEANT BUSINESS. Seriously, you looked in his eyes, you heard the bass in his voice, and you believed every word he said when he said that he was coming to whoop Punk's ass. I was on my feet when he said that. Unfortunately, thanks to being fined, and UNLIKE someone before him who was fined for his actions (I'm sure you know who I'm referring to) Cena conformed, and started cleaning up his act, CONSTANTLY referencing the fact that "it's a PG show", even making the lame excuse for DQ'ing Barrett and Punk because they were using too much profanity "on a PG show." Fuck you, Cena.
3.) Terrible booking. Okay, now this one's not Cena's fault, he can't help if he's booked to win every match, but this is a major problem. He's booked all the time to come out on top. The last time I remember him losing convincingly was when he lost to Edge in that last man standing match where Big Show chokeslammed him through a stage light. I think that was Backlash of 2009. It's been over two years since he lost BELIEVABLY, that's the key right there.
4.) Terrible selling. Seriously, this is one of Cena's biggest down spots. He gets the ever loving shit kicked out of him, and he recovers immediately and becomes Superman (they've even fucking CALLED him Superman on the fucking shows) and wins without effort. The biggest example is Summerslam 2010. Now, him pinning Justin Gabriel after the 450 makes sense. It was a burst of adrenaline after Gabriel's mistake after the DDT on the floor. HOWEVER, since he sold the DDT on the floor so well, him pinning Gabriel was the ONLY thing that he should've been able to do, not instantly counter Barrett and put him in the STF and then spring right back to his feet to celebrate. No-selling gets you No-where, BROTHER! *slams leather belt on tile floor*
5.) Cena's not funny. Seriously, he's not. Stop making him crack jokes and try to be funny and make the little kids laugh. As a matter of fact, let's just skip right to that.
6.) Cena's too kid-friendly. Fuck the children. Yes, Bret Hart was kid-friendly, but he wasn't a fucking cheeseball, and the adults loved him just as much because he sold fucking wrestling, and was BELIEVABLE! See where I'm getting at, here? Believability, that's the key! John Cena is so kid-friendly that he's appearing in children-catered movies on Nickelodeon, (I'm NOT KIDDING) wearing bright-as-fuck colors that would make anyone with fashion sense outside of the NBA puke with their eyeballs, and doesn't even ATTEMPT to stand up for anything anymore. Seriously, people started hating John Cena in 2006 after his feud with Kurt Angle, because he stopped being the take no prisoners, beat your ass, all business John Cena, and became this cartoony, kid-catered character that is more fucking harmless than Bret Hart... AND HE WORE PINK!
7.) John Cena is believable, but chooses not to be. This is one of the toughest things to explain, but I'm going to try my best. John Cena, as stated above, is one of the most believable stars WWE has. However, he chooses not to be that way, instead being superhuman all the time, cracking jokes when they are unnecessary and not funny, and not taking anything seriously when it needs to be taken seriously. Outside of the recent CM Punk promo where he vowed to whoop his ass, the LAST good Cena promo was when Triple H was the WWE Champion, and Cena stated that "Until you beat me... you're nothing." After that promo, NOTHING that John Cena has said, outside of his "farewell speech" has ever been believable in the slightest. He's more unbelievable than The Ultimate Warrior, for Christ's sake. CM Punk stated it best, and I'll say it again: "You're not funny, John." So stop trying to be.
8.) Finally, the BIGGEST problem of all: No value. Not in terms of merchandise sales, mind you, but in terms of interest value. He's reaching Batista-level lows here. Seriously, when that fucking music hits, my stomach turns, and my temptation to change the channel is only stopped by the fact that my savior, CM Punk is on the same show. NONE of Cena's matches are any different, so you know EXACTLY what you're going to get, every single time you hear that fucking music. (Which, after six years, is one of the most annoying wrestling tunes I've ever heard in my life) Seriously, if none of his matches are any different, and the outcome, 95% of the time is going to be Cena coming out on top, why the hell even bother watching him? In the off chance that he pulls out an excellent match? Yeah, when was the last time he did THAT? Wrestlemania 26. And before that? Wrestlemania 23 and Raw of 2007, and only because he was facing Shawn Michaels, a guy who can pull a great match out of a pile of Batista's freshly squeezed anal secretion.
Seriously, if John Cena wins the fucking Royal Rumble this year, I'm going to be so pissed off that I'll probably buy a John Cena action figure, light a firework to it and use a flamethrower made out of an aerosol can and a lighter to light the fuse and watch that action figure explode into pieces like Jeff Hardy did when he got fucked up in the pyro. That action figure will have more destroyed body parts than RVD after he got beaten up by Abyss and Janice. There will be more anger in my veins than Ric Flair has shot sperm into women.
If John Cena wins the Royal Rumble, I WILL BECOME STRAIGHT EDGE. I will sacrifice myself to become straight edge once again, and follow in the footsteps of CM Punk AND TRULY DEVOTE MYSELF TO THE STRAIGHT EDGE LIFESTYLE! I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WWE, DO NOT ALLOW JOHN CENA TO WIN THE FUCKING ROYAL RUMBLE!
1.) No moveset. I know this has been said a thousand times, but yes. John Cena has no moveset. Does this mean he can't wrestle? No. It means that they won't ALLOW him to wrestle, which is boring as hell.
2.) Improper use of charisma. Without a doubt, John Cena is one of the most charismatic and believable wrestlers WWE has. The segment on Raw where he was out injured and spoke to CM Punk and Nexus proves this. HE MEANT BUSINESS. Seriously, you looked in his eyes, you heard the bass in his voice, and you believed every word he said when he said that he was coming to whoop Punk's ass. I was on my feet when he said that. Unfortunately, thanks to being fined, and UNLIKE someone before him who was fined for his actions (I'm sure you know who I'm referring to) Cena conformed, and started cleaning up his act, CONSTANTLY referencing the fact that "it's a PG show", even making the lame excuse for DQ'ing Barrett and Punk because they were using too much profanity "on a PG show." Fuck you, Cena.
3.) Terrible booking. Okay, now this one's not Cena's fault, he can't help if he's booked to win every match, but this is a major problem. He's booked all the time to come out on top. The last time I remember him losing convincingly was when he lost to Edge in that last man standing match where Big Show chokeslammed him through a stage light. I think that was Backlash of 2009. It's been over two years since he lost BELIEVABLY, that's the key right there.
4.) Terrible selling. Seriously, this is one of Cena's biggest down spots. He gets the ever loving shit kicked out of him, and he recovers immediately and becomes Superman (they've even fucking CALLED him Superman on the fucking shows) and wins without effort. The biggest example is Summerslam 2010. Now, him pinning Justin Gabriel after the 450 makes sense. It was a burst of adrenaline after Gabriel's mistake after the DDT on the floor. HOWEVER, since he sold the DDT on the floor so well, him pinning Gabriel was the ONLY thing that he should've been able to do, not instantly counter Barrett and put him in the STF and then spring right back to his feet to celebrate. No-selling gets you No-where, BROTHER! *slams leather belt on tile floor*
5.) Cena's not funny. Seriously, he's not. Stop making him crack jokes and try to be funny and make the little kids laugh. As a matter of fact, let's just skip right to that.
6.) Cena's too kid-friendly. Fuck the children. Yes, Bret Hart was kid-friendly, but he wasn't a fucking cheeseball, and the adults loved him just as much because he sold fucking wrestling, and was BELIEVABLE! See where I'm getting at, here? Believability, that's the key! John Cena is so kid-friendly that he's appearing in children-catered movies on Nickelodeon, (I'm NOT KIDDING) wearing bright-as-fuck colors that would make anyone with fashion sense outside of the NBA puke with their eyeballs, and doesn't even ATTEMPT to stand up for anything anymore. Seriously, people started hating John Cena in 2006 after his feud with Kurt Angle, because he stopped being the take no prisoners, beat your ass, all business John Cena, and became this cartoony, kid-catered character that is more fucking harmless than Bret Hart... AND HE WORE PINK!
7.) John Cena is believable, but chooses not to be. This is one of the toughest things to explain, but I'm going to try my best. John Cena, as stated above, is one of the most believable stars WWE has. However, he chooses not to be that way, instead being superhuman all the time, cracking jokes when they are unnecessary and not funny, and not taking anything seriously when it needs to be taken seriously. Outside of the recent CM Punk promo where he vowed to whoop his ass, the LAST good Cena promo was when Triple H was the WWE Champion, and Cena stated that "Until you beat me... you're nothing." After that promo, NOTHING that John Cena has said, outside of his "farewell speech" has ever been believable in the slightest. He's more unbelievable than The Ultimate Warrior, for Christ's sake. CM Punk stated it best, and I'll say it again: "You're not funny, John." So stop trying to be.
8.) Finally, the BIGGEST problem of all: No value. Not in terms of merchandise sales, mind you, but in terms of interest value. He's reaching Batista-level lows here. Seriously, when that fucking music hits, my stomach turns, and my temptation to change the channel is only stopped by the fact that my savior, CM Punk is on the same show. NONE of Cena's matches are any different, so you know EXACTLY what you're going to get, every single time you hear that fucking music. (Which, after six years, is one of the most annoying wrestling tunes I've ever heard in my life) Seriously, if none of his matches are any different, and the outcome, 95% of the time is going to be Cena coming out on top, why the hell even bother watching him? In the off chance that he pulls out an excellent match? Yeah, when was the last time he did THAT? Wrestlemania 26. And before that? Wrestlemania 23 and Raw of 2007, and only because he was facing Shawn Michaels, a guy who can pull a great match out of a pile of Batista's freshly squeezed anal secretion.
Seriously, if John Cena wins the fucking Royal Rumble this year, I'm going to be so pissed off that I'll probably buy a John Cena action figure, light a firework to it and use a flamethrower made out of an aerosol can and a lighter to light the fuse and watch that action figure explode into pieces like Jeff Hardy did when he got fucked up in the pyro. That action figure will have more destroyed body parts than RVD after he got beaten up by Abyss and Janice. There will be more anger in my veins than Ric Flair has shot sperm into women.
If John Cena wins the Royal Rumble, I WILL BECOME STRAIGHT EDGE. I will sacrifice myself to become straight edge once again, and follow in the footsteps of CM Punk AND TRULY DEVOTE MYSELF TO THE STRAIGHT EDGE LIFESTYLE! I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WWE, DO NOT ALLOW JOHN CENA TO WIN THE FUCKING ROYAL RUMBLE!
