Post by Board Admin on Jun 13, 2010 9:23:38 GMT
Disclaimer: I don't own shit, dude.
Ok fans and general readers—yeah, even those of you who love to read but never fucking review—I come before you again, drunk as HELL, but still able to tell a story. Whether or not it'll be decent, well…I'd rather just leave that up to you.
Lately, I've been tinkering with the idea for a…covert ops mission-type of novel. I SORT of have it together, but I need you guys and gals to be the judges of that one. So, read on, dear lovers—erm, I mean DEAR READERS. I have this set around the time of the World Trade Center bombings here in America. So, this is how I could envision this thing happening…
Picture it, it's December 2001-Vince McMahon steps out of a snowy night into a diner in upstate New York for a meeting with old friend Phil Thomson, now a highly placed government official.
Thomson has a strange proposition: creating a new covert black-ops group using the Superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment. The WWE's talented men and women are perfect. Highly skilled athletes with the ideal cover, they travel all across the country and the globe; no one would find it unusual to find them in a town one day and gone the next. The government would train and support the wrestlers in every way possible except one: no one must know the truth.
So with that, we jump to March 2006—YES, 2006! The Superstars have been handed their latest assignment - take down a commercial-grade methyl-amphetamine plant that is bankrolling terrorist activities in Europe. Their mission seems simple and straightforward, until a member of their team is taken prisoner. Now all that they've worked so hard for is in jeopardy, and one of their own might be killed...
I'm going to break a cardinal rule of fan fiction and insert an author's note in here…ahem…Talk about science-fiction. I doubt half of the WWE roster could even pronounce methyl-amphetamine without starting to GoDaddy dance out of nervousness. But…I digress.
CHAPTER 1
The scene opens on August 8, 2000 as Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the only wrestling promotion in the universe, drives his own limo to the WWE New York headquarters for a meeting with an old friend of his, CIA director Phil Thomson. But inside, Vince had questions as to why Mr. Thomson had called this meeting. After all, Mr. McMahon had almost lost all contact with Thomson.
Over the years, Vince's contact line with Thomson was so thin that the two only exchanged Christmas cards, text messages and Vince ONLY allowed Thomson to have his way with his daughter Stephanie three times, a clear sign of a strained friendship.
Still, Vince was interested in this development. So interested, in fact, that he completely forgot to book SmackDown in order to make the trip to New York. Oh who cares, it's not like anyone watches that crap anyway.
Anyway, as Vince's stretch car pulled up outside of the WWE New York facility, something seemed very odd. The place there the "WWE" logo should have been was now occupied by a "MTV2" logo. Vince got out of his limo and power walked to the security officer standing just outside of the revolving door.
Vince angrily asks, "What in the hell is going on here?"
The security guard furrows his brow, "Excuse me?"
Vince replies, "Nobody does this to me! I'm Vincent Kennedy McMahon, dammit!"
Security says, "Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. Can I direct you to a f-"
Vince, In a mocking tone, answers, "Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea -SHUT UP! What have you done with WWE New York?"
The security guard answers, "What? WWE New York closed, like, 3 years ago, Mr. McMahon."
Vince, wide-eyed replies, "Somebody stole WWE New York? It must be that damned Repo Man!"
Security shakes his head, "Whatever. Moron."
Vince then gets a page on his beeper (he doesn't own a cell phone; he will in a few years when they begin to go out of style) that is from Phil. It tells Vince that he is at the Hard Rock Cafe, over 15 miles away from where Vince was right now. That doesn't stop the genetic jackhammer, though. Vince proceeds to power strut 15 miles in the snow, destroying polar bears, boogeymen, the federal government, and WCW along the way. He finally arrived at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Thomson smiles, "Ah-ha! Vince, how is everything, man!"
Vince smiles in return, "Phil! How long it's been! But why did you want to meet me here at the Hard Rock Cafe? This seems like an odd location for such an important meeting."
Thomson starts, "Well I-"
Vince, interrupting, "-Wait a damn minute! Who... who are these men on this poster right here beside out table? By god, they're wearing face paint and they have guitars!"
"...Vince, thats K.I.S.S."
"K.I.S.S.? Wow! That must be what all the young kids are listening to these days. That settles it, next week on Raw, I'm going to debut a character who is going to be the fifth member of K.I.S.S.!"
Thomson, getting back on the subject, "Look, Vince, that isn't why I asked for you to join me today. I wanted you to join me because I have a proposition to offer you. You see, I am in charge of a large CIA black-ops organization that specializes in counter-terrorism. But you see Vince, we're short on spies to help us fight terrorism. But that is where you come in. I thought to myself, 'Phil, you sure are one sexy son of a bitch.' Then, I thought to myself, 'You know who would have the perfect cover? Professional wrestlers. They move from country to country, state to state, and nobody would suspect a thing!"
Vince asks, "Really?"
"...No, I'm just pissed off at my director so I decided to hire a bunch of thong-wearing fakers to head the security of the most powerful nation in the world."
Vince, taken aback a bit, "Well, this is a strange offer you've asked of me... But, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no."
"Oh really? Well, I guess I have to thank you for your time then. Sorry to bother you."
Vince has an idea. He says, "But wait, I do know one man who may help you. You see, he is someone who I hold in great regard. It's someone who I think will help you out a lot in the War on Terrorism. He is a higher power, you could say."
"Where can I meet him?"
"You can meet him right here. Let me go get him, hold on one second. It will only take a few seconds..."
Vince rushes into the Men's Restroom. Thomson waits for a few minutes, before a man completely naked, wrapped in toilet paper and wearing an S&M hood emerges from the restroom.
Thomson asks incredulously, "Vince? What in the hell are you doing? Are you mad?"
This "higher power" answers, "It isn't Vince, dammit!"
"Come on, McMahon. You pulled this shit in '99 and everyone knew you were the higher power then, too."
"I'M NOT THE HIGHER POWER! Look, just shut up and listen to me. I agree to your terms, and all of my workers will now become counter-terrorist operatives. But you want to know who I am, don't you?"
Thomson motions, "...Waiter, check please!"
The higher power rips off his hood, revealing he is Vince McMahon
Vince yells excitedly, "IT WAS ME THOMSON! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!"
A nearby spectator wearing an orange jersey turns around, facing his back to Vince in disgust at these actions!
CHAPTER TWO
Vince and his workers had the counter-terrorism act down to a tee. On March 3, 2001, WWE worker ALBERT successfully defuses a bomb at an orphanage in Saudi Arabia. On May 28, 2001, WWE employee Lita successfully negotiates the release of 42 hostages in Iran by having sex with the terrorists holding them. She then has sex with all 42 hostages to boost morale. To say they were succeeding in their new roles would be an understatement.
Until one date…
September 11, 2001.
Vince, angrily breaking into the locker room, yells, "DAMMIT! WHO WAS MONITORING THE NEW YORK AIRWAYS TODAY? I WANT NAMES!"
Theodore Long holds up his hands and shakes his head, "It was Eugene, playa. You can belee' dat!"
Vince asks, "Eugene? Why didn't you send for help when you learned of the hijackings?"
Eugene claps his hands and replies, "HAY MAI FAVORTWO WRASTLER IS TRIPLE HAYCH AND HE SPITS OUT WATER!..."
Vince smacks his forehead and says, "Oh no! Obviously the shock has made him mad!"
A still-alive-at-the-time Test answers, "He's retarded, genius..."
Vince replies, "Well so is my daughter, and that doesn't stop her from booking Smackdown each week!"
Linda calls out, "Vince..."
Vince turns around, "...Who in the hell are you? We didn't book Mae Young at tonight's event."
Linda answers, "What?...That...Is...Hard...For...Me...To...Un...der..."
Vince jumps, "UNDERTAKER? UNDERTAKER DID THIS? NO!"
Linda replies, "NO!... This... Was... The... Act... Of...Al...Q-"
Vince asks, "Al Snow? But I fired him years ago!"
A stll-alive at the time Chris Benoit speaks up, "Vince...I... Think... What...Shes...Trying...To...Say...Is...That... Osama...Bin...Laden... Is... Responsible... For...The ... Terror... Attacks..."
Vince's eyes grow big, "I knew it. It was Steve Austin all along. Someone get me on the phone with Steve Austin!"
Moments later, Vince reaches Steve Austin via an oversized, 1994 cell phone
Steve Austin answers, "Hello?"
Vince angrily asks, "Steve?"
Steve Austin replies, "What?"
"Steve, why did you do it? Why did you walk out on the WWF and cause those terrorists to hijack those planes and cause terror?"
"...WHAT?"
"Don't start that shit with me, dammit!"
"Put me on speaker phone, Vince..."
Vince puts Austin on speaker phone, as the entire locker room listens in to their conversation now...
Steve Austin yells, "Now, if you think Stone Cold Steve Austin is innocent of these actions, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"
The locker room replies in unison, "HELL YEAH!"
"Now, if you think that Vince should realize Osama Bin Laden is responsible for these actions, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"
Once again, the locker Room happily answers, "HELL YEAH!"
"Now, if you want Steve Austin to hang up the phone and go open a can of whoop ass on his pregnant girlfriend, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"
"HELL YEAH... wait, what?"
The conversation is disconnected...
Vince replies, "Well then, it looks like we have a long war on terrorism ahead of us, don't we boys? And by the end of this war, I promise you all... No, I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you... That Osama Bin Laden will join the Vince McMahon 'Kiss My Ass' Club! Thank you and good night!"
Vince throws the water bottle he was talking into in the ground as he turns around and begins to power walk into the janitor's closet, leaving the locker room completely confused.
CHAPTER THREE
It's now September 19, 2001. The wrestlers are beginning to get restless. The CIA (and JBL) are on their asses, and Phil Thomson has been relieved of his duties at the CIA. Just when it seems like it couldn't get any worse, Stephanie McMahon enters the locker room with a stunning revelation...
"I'M PREGNANT!"
Locker Room just responds with a deafening silence—mostly due to indifference.
Stephanie repeats, "Hello? Be happy for me, dammit! I'm about to have a child, and the best you lazy idiots can do is shoot me a smile? You know what?, YOU'RE ALL JOBBING TONIGHT! To THE UNDERTAKER!"
Kane shrugs, "What else is new?"
Stephanie smiles and says, "Thats the spirit! Don't think of it as jobbing, everyone. Just think of it as looking less important to the fans."
Stephanie exits and Triple H enters, looking like he's just seen a ghost…
Kane asks, "Whats wrong, Hunter?"
"I, I... I didn't get her pregnant Kane, I just know it!"
Kane asks, "What? How is that?"
"Well, dammit, I haven't had sex with her in two years! It had to have been someone else! As a matter of fact, the only sexual activity we've had lately was last week, when I shoved a garlic ring sausage in her punani. But I think the crazy thing is, she thinks she can get pregnant by that type of thing!"
Kane smirks and shakes his head, "Crazy stuff, man. So, what are you going to do to cheer yourself up?"
Triple H happily replies, "Go over you cleanly tonight."
Suddenly, Vince breaks into the locker room…
"STOP! THERE IS A MOLE IN THIS ROOM!"
Jillian Hall frowns, "Oh no, not this mole shit again!"
Vince replies, "No Molly! Someone in this locker room is providing information to the terrorists! I don't know, the briefing said that they are using, some kind of... odd, new technology, called an email..."
Kane furrows his brow and replies, "But Vince, everyone uses email these days."
"Shut up. Nobody uses email. Anyway, I'm going to turn my back and count to three, and if we don't get someone to step forward and admit, I'm going to make each and every one of you job to Road Warrior Animal tonight in a gauntlet match!"
Suddenly, a voice was heard from the back, "No, stop! I admit it, it was me!"
The entire locker room turns around, looking at the man who just admitted to the crime!
It's Rikishi! He says, "But, I did it... fo'da Rock... I did it... fo'da People.."
Vince shrugs, "Eh, it works for me. Just don't do it again, Keesh! And keep on dancin'!"
Stephanie returns and announces, "TRIPLE H ISN'T THE FATHER! How can this be! But, if Hunter isn't the real father of my baby, who is?"
Rikishi confesses, "I am. But, I did it... fo'da Ro-"
Stephanie laughs, "Rikishi, you can't get people pregnant by taking dumps on them!"
(The entire locker room laughs as the scene fades)
Ok fans and general readers—yeah, even those of you who love to read but never fucking review—I come before you again, drunk as HELL, but still able to tell a story. Whether or not it'll be decent, well…I'd rather just leave that up to you.
Lately, I've been tinkering with the idea for a…covert ops mission-type of novel. I SORT of have it together, but I need you guys and gals to be the judges of that one. So, read on, dear lovers—erm, I mean DEAR READERS. I have this set around the time of the World Trade Center bombings here in America. So, this is how I could envision this thing happening…
Picture it, it's December 2001-Vince McMahon steps out of a snowy night into a diner in upstate New York for a meeting with old friend Phil Thomson, now a highly placed government official.
Thomson has a strange proposition: creating a new covert black-ops group using the Superstars of World Wrestling Entertainment. The WWE's talented men and women are perfect. Highly skilled athletes with the ideal cover, they travel all across the country and the globe; no one would find it unusual to find them in a town one day and gone the next. The government would train and support the wrestlers in every way possible except one: no one must know the truth.
So with that, we jump to March 2006—YES, 2006! The Superstars have been handed their latest assignment - take down a commercial-grade methyl-amphetamine plant that is bankrolling terrorist activities in Europe. Their mission seems simple and straightforward, until a member of their team is taken prisoner. Now all that they've worked so hard for is in jeopardy, and one of their own might be killed...
I'm going to break a cardinal rule of fan fiction and insert an author's note in here…ahem…Talk about science-fiction. I doubt half of the WWE roster could even pronounce methyl-amphetamine without starting to GoDaddy dance out of nervousness. But…I digress.
CHAPTER 1
The scene opens on August 8, 2000 as Vincent Kennedy McMahon, owner of the only wrestling promotion in the universe, drives his own limo to the WWE New York headquarters for a meeting with an old friend of his, CIA director Phil Thomson. But inside, Vince had questions as to why Mr. Thomson had called this meeting. After all, Mr. McMahon had almost lost all contact with Thomson.
Over the years, Vince's contact line with Thomson was so thin that the two only exchanged Christmas cards, text messages and Vince ONLY allowed Thomson to have his way with his daughter Stephanie three times, a clear sign of a strained friendship.
Still, Vince was interested in this development. So interested, in fact, that he completely forgot to book SmackDown in order to make the trip to New York. Oh who cares, it's not like anyone watches that crap anyway.
Anyway, as Vince's stretch car pulled up outside of the WWE New York facility, something seemed very odd. The place there the "WWE" logo should have been was now occupied by a "MTV2" logo. Vince got out of his limo and power walked to the security officer standing just outside of the revolving door.
Vince angrily asks, "What in the hell is going on here?"
The security guard furrows his brow, "Excuse me?"
Vince replies, "Nobody does this to me! I'm Vincent Kennedy McMahon, dammit!"
Security says, "Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. Can I direct you to a f-"
Vince, In a mocking tone, answers, "Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea -SHUT UP! What have you done with WWE New York?"
The security guard answers, "What? WWE New York closed, like, 3 years ago, Mr. McMahon."
Vince, wide-eyed replies, "Somebody stole WWE New York? It must be that damned Repo Man!"
Security shakes his head, "Whatever. Moron."
Vince then gets a page on his beeper (he doesn't own a cell phone; he will in a few years when they begin to go out of style) that is from Phil. It tells Vince that he is at the Hard Rock Cafe, over 15 miles away from where Vince was right now. That doesn't stop the genetic jackhammer, though. Vince proceeds to power strut 15 miles in the snow, destroying polar bears, boogeymen, the federal government, and WCW along the way. He finally arrived at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Thomson smiles, "Ah-ha! Vince, how is everything, man!"
Vince smiles in return, "Phil! How long it's been! But why did you want to meet me here at the Hard Rock Cafe? This seems like an odd location for such an important meeting."
Thomson starts, "Well I-"
Vince, interrupting, "-Wait a damn minute! Who... who are these men on this poster right here beside out table? By god, they're wearing face paint and they have guitars!"
"...Vince, thats K.I.S.S."
"K.I.S.S.? Wow! That must be what all the young kids are listening to these days. That settles it, next week on Raw, I'm going to debut a character who is going to be the fifth member of K.I.S.S.!"
Thomson, getting back on the subject, "Look, Vince, that isn't why I asked for you to join me today. I wanted you to join me because I have a proposition to offer you. You see, I am in charge of a large CIA black-ops organization that specializes in counter-terrorism. But you see Vince, we're short on spies to help us fight terrorism. But that is where you come in. I thought to myself, 'Phil, you sure are one sexy son of a bitch.' Then, I thought to myself, 'You know who would have the perfect cover? Professional wrestlers. They move from country to country, state to state, and nobody would suspect a thing!"
Vince asks, "Really?"
"...No, I'm just pissed off at my director so I decided to hire a bunch of thong-wearing fakers to head the security of the most powerful nation in the world."
Vince, taken aback a bit, "Well, this is a strange offer you've asked of me... But, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no."
"Oh really? Well, I guess I have to thank you for your time then. Sorry to bother you."
Vince has an idea. He says, "But wait, I do know one man who may help you. You see, he is someone who I hold in great regard. It's someone who I think will help you out a lot in the War on Terrorism. He is a higher power, you could say."
"Where can I meet him?"
"You can meet him right here. Let me go get him, hold on one second. It will only take a few seconds..."
Vince rushes into the Men's Restroom. Thomson waits for a few minutes, before a man completely naked, wrapped in toilet paper and wearing an S&M hood emerges from the restroom.
Thomson asks incredulously, "Vince? What in the hell are you doing? Are you mad?"
This "higher power" answers, "It isn't Vince, dammit!"
"Come on, McMahon. You pulled this shit in '99 and everyone knew you were the higher power then, too."
"I'M NOT THE HIGHER POWER! Look, just shut up and listen to me. I agree to your terms, and all of my workers will now become counter-terrorist operatives. But you want to know who I am, don't you?"
Thomson motions, "...Waiter, check please!"
The higher power rips off his hood, revealing he is Vince McMahon
Vince yells excitedly, "IT WAS ME THOMSON! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!"
A nearby spectator wearing an orange jersey turns around, facing his back to Vince in disgust at these actions!
CHAPTER TWO
Vince and his workers had the counter-terrorism act down to a tee. On March 3, 2001, WWE worker ALBERT successfully defuses a bomb at an orphanage in Saudi Arabia. On May 28, 2001, WWE employee Lita successfully negotiates the release of 42 hostages in Iran by having sex with the terrorists holding them. She then has sex with all 42 hostages to boost morale. To say they were succeeding in their new roles would be an understatement.
Until one date…
September 11, 2001.
Vince, angrily breaking into the locker room, yells, "DAMMIT! WHO WAS MONITORING THE NEW YORK AIRWAYS TODAY? I WANT NAMES!"
Theodore Long holds up his hands and shakes his head, "It was Eugene, playa. You can belee' dat!"
Vince asks, "Eugene? Why didn't you send for help when you learned of the hijackings?"
Eugene claps his hands and replies, "HAY MAI FAVORTWO WRASTLER IS TRIPLE HAYCH AND HE SPITS OUT WATER!..."
Vince smacks his forehead and says, "Oh no! Obviously the shock has made him mad!"
A still-alive-at-the-time Test answers, "He's retarded, genius..."
Vince replies, "Well so is my daughter, and that doesn't stop her from booking Smackdown each week!"
Linda calls out, "Vince..."
Vince turns around, "...Who in the hell are you? We didn't book Mae Young at tonight's event."
Linda answers, "What?...That...Is...Hard...For...Me...To...Un...der..."
Vince jumps, "UNDERTAKER? UNDERTAKER DID THIS? NO!"
Linda replies, "NO!... This... Was... The... Act... Of...Al...Q-"
Vince asks, "Al Snow? But I fired him years ago!"
A stll-alive at the time Chris Benoit speaks up, "Vince...I... Think... What...Shes...Trying...To...Say...Is...That... Osama...Bin...Laden... Is... Responsible... For...The ... Terror... Attacks..."
Vince's eyes grow big, "I knew it. It was Steve Austin all along. Someone get me on the phone with Steve Austin!"
Moments later, Vince reaches Steve Austin via an oversized, 1994 cell phone
Steve Austin answers, "Hello?"
Vince angrily asks, "Steve?"
Steve Austin replies, "What?"
"Steve, why did you do it? Why did you walk out on the WWF and cause those terrorists to hijack those planes and cause terror?"
"...WHAT?"
"Don't start that shit with me, dammit!"
"Put me on speaker phone, Vince..."
Vince puts Austin on speaker phone, as the entire locker room listens in to their conversation now...
Steve Austin yells, "Now, if you think Stone Cold Steve Austin is innocent of these actions, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"
The locker room replies in unison, "HELL YEAH!"
"Now, if you think that Vince should realize Osama Bin Laden is responsible for these actions, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"
Once again, the locker Room happily answers, "HELL YEAH!"
"Now, if you want Steve Austin to hang up the phone and go open a can of whoop ass on his pregnant girlfriend, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!"
"HELL YEAH... wait, what?"
The conversation is disconnected...
Vince replies, "Well then, it looks like we have a long war on terrorism ahead of us, don't we boys? And by the end of this war, I promise you all... No, I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you... That Osama Bin Laden will join the Vince McMahon 'Kiss My Ass' Club! Thank you and good night!"
Vince throws the water bottle he was talking into in the ground as he turns around and begins to power walk into the janitor's closet, leaving the locker room completely confused.
CHAPTER THREE
It's now September 19, 2001. The wrestlers are beginning to get restless. The CIA (and JBL) are on their asses, and Phil Thomson has been relieved of his duties at the CIA. Just when it seems like it couldn't get any worse, Stephanie McMahon enters the locker room with a stunning revelation...
"I'M PREGNANT!"
Locker Room just responds with a deafening silence—mostly due to indifference.
Stephanie repeats, "Hello? Be happy for me, dammit! I'm about to have a child, and the best you lazy idiots can do is shoot me a smile? You know what?, YOU'RE ALL JOBBING TONIGHT! To THE UNDERTAKER!"
Kane shrugs, "What else is new?"
Stephanie smiles and says, "Thats the spirit! Don't think of it as jobbing, everyone. Just think of it as looking less important to the fans."
Stephanie exits and Triple H enters, looking like he's just seen a ghost…
Kane asks, "Whats wrong, Hunter?"
"I, I... I didn't get her pregnant Kane, I just know it!"
Kane asks, "What? How is that?"
"Well, dammit, I haven't had sex with her in two years! It had to have been someone else! As a matter of fact, the only sexual activity we've had lately was last week, when I shoved a garlic ring sausage in her punani. But I think the crazy thing is, she thinks she can get pregnant by that type of thing!"
Kane smirks and shakes his head, "Crazy stuff, man. So, what are you going to do to cheer yourself up?"
Triple H happily replies, "Go over you cleanly tonight."
Suddenly, Vince breaks into the locker room…
"STOP! THERE IS A MOLE IN THIS ROOM!"
Jillian Hall frowns, "Oh no, not this mole shit again!"
Vince replies, "No Molly! Someone in this locker room is providing information to the terrorists! I don't know, the briefing said that they are using, some kind of... odd, new technology, called an email..."
Kane furrows his brow and replies, "But Vince, everyone uses email these days."
"Shut up. Nobody uses email. Anyway, I'm going to turn my back and count to three, and if we don't get someone to step forward and admit, I'm going to make each and every one of you job to Road Warrior Animal tonight in a gauntlet match!"
Suddenly, a voice was heard from the back, "No, stop! I admit it, it was me!"
The entire locker room turns around, looking at the man who just admitted to the crime!
It's Rikishi! He says, "But, I did it... fo'da Rock... I did it... fo'da People.."
Vince shrugs, "Eh, it works for me. Just don't do it again, Keesh! And keep on dancin'!"
Stephanie returns and announces, "TRIPLE H ISN'T THE FATHER! How can this be! But, if Hunter isn't the real father of my baby, who is?"
Rikishi confesses, "I am. But, I did it... fo'da Ro-"
Stephanie laughs, "Rikishi, you can't get people pregnant by taking dumps on them!"
(The entire locker room laughs as the scene fades)